25 September 2018

Philadelphia Flyers Unveil New Mascot And Bloodthirsty Hellbeast


Gritty, the terrifying hellion


PHILADELPHIA – Yesterday the Philadelphia Flyers unveiled their brand new mascot, a creature of unimaginable horror lovingly named Gritty. The gruesome troll stands at a menacing eight feet tall, towering over the children who will be visiting the Wells Fargo Center throughout the month to have their photo taken with the terrifying fiend only to burst into tears the very instant their eyes lay upon the vicious orange goblin.


The monstrous muppet is appropriately orange in color, the only trait that it shares with the Philadelphia ice hockey team. Instead of skin, the demonic entity has scraggly reddish-orange fur, thought to have once been a bright, full orange prior to being stained with the blood of virgins. Its head is shrouded in the orange mane of a slaughtered lion, with only Gritty's evil face emerging through all the hair. Two massive white lazy eyes bulge from the barbaric CHUD’s face, each dotted with orange irises whose pupils are little black endless voids. The godless cretin appears to have a sticky blood-red liquid smeared across its top lip, which stretches above a thirteen-inch wide smile whose open mouth is believed to be a gateway to Hell itself.



When asked how such a foul Lovecraftian beast could have possibly come into existence, Flyers spokesman Roy McKinley explained, “We didn’t want it to happen this way. I swear.” According to McKinley, a group of biology majors from Temple University spent all of Saturday evening in a dark, forgotten fallout shelter located hundreds of feet below the Wells Fargo Center. “We told them to give us a mascot. That’s all we wanted,” McKinley continued. “But we didn’t want this.”

We found a lab down there, complete with like a dozen beakers and flasks all filled with strange, multicolored liquids,” Robert Hathaway, a third year bio major at Temple U told us on Monday. According to Hathaway, shelves lining the walls of the strange laboratory held unusual items ranging from human skulls, mason jars filled with moth-like creatures bathed in pickle juice, a dismembered monkey’s paw, and a Tesla coil. “There were four large glass chambers toward the back – maybe like ten feet tall,” Hathaway continued describing the room, “and they all had a bunch of tubes sticking out of them. Three of them were cracked open and empty, but in the fourth chamber was what looked like a huge human skeleton. Possibly cro-magnon.”

According to Hathaway, an old computer system sat on a desk against the back wall, with an array of glowing buttons spanning its surface and several levers covered in cobwebs. One of Hathaway’s peers, who has asked to remain anonymous, pulled on one of these levers and a machine beside the unbroken ten-foot chamber whirred to life. In hindsight, that may have been a mistake,” the anonymous bio major told us, referring to her decision to pull the unknown lever which, for all she knew, could have launched a nuclear strike on Korea or flooded the entire room with corrosive acid. Instead, a bright blue light emitted from within the occupied glass chamber.

That’s when we noticed that all those beakers and flasks were attached to the tubes leading to the chambers,” explained Hathaway. “Some sort of neon orange liquid was sucked out and emptied into the last one, which started shaking, like, real bad.”

According to some of the Temple students who were lucky enough to survive the ensuing incident, the glass chamber began shaking violently until an agonized, inhuman shriek came from inside it, and then the chamber exploded, hurling shards of glass everywhere.

I got my arm cut,” Hathaway told us as he showed off a small nick on his left wrist.

After the chamber exploded, a sopping wet figure stepped out, growling and hissing. Hathaway and the others immediately took notice of the creature’s glowing white eyes, which were as large as baseballs. When one of the loathsome brute’s lazy eyes drifted slowly to look at the students, things took a turn for the worse.

It just charged at us,” the anonymous bio major explained through tears. “It tore Phillip and Kurt to shreds. I saw it open my best friend. I saw Morgan beg for her life as it scarfed down her intestines. She was going to be a marine biologist, you know. Why did we have to drag her to that nightmare?”

The surviving students pursued the creature, which had left the lab and proceeded up the long spiral staircase, eventually exiting the Wells Fargo Center and taking off into the night. Authorities were contacted immediately, leading to a citywide manhunt which lasted well over five hours and resulted in at least fifteen casualties, including the ruthless murders of two police officers and a cat. After being shot with twelve horse tranquilizers, the brutish hellspawn finally went down.

It’s bad, but if we keep little Gritty sedated, everything will be okay,” Roy McKinley assured us.

Regardless, Flyers fans of all ages have taken to rallying against the nightmarish troglodyte, wielding protest signs and dropping slam poetry in front of the Wells Fargo Center. One particularly irate fan, a 42-year-old Philadelphia native named Andy Giannotti, stopped protesting for a moment to speak with us. “How can they just put a jersey on that fucking thing and call it our mascot?”

That harrowing monstrosity will not speak for my city,” said local sports fan Kelly Gallagher, age 28, who had been participating in the anti-Gritty protest all day Monday. “We will not stand for this. It’s time to euthanize the beast.”

You can have your photo taken with the unholy abomination all month long at the Wells Fargo Center, where the hideous affront against nature will be heavily sedated and safely chained to the stadium’s concrete floor.


Gritty, chained for your safety