Independence Day: Resurgence, or "A Movie So Bad It Took Me Over a Month to Adequately Review It and Even Then I Still Couldn't Adequately Review It"

     There are times, I must admit, when I say harsh things without thinking about the effect they might have. I tend to shoot before aiming, and more often than not I will miss and accidentally cut off the opponent's head when I barely even intended a wound. I tend to do this a lot when reviewing movies, especially.
     Recently I posted to Facebook a very concise review of Independence Day: Resurgence, which consisted entirely of the following: "No." The other day it occurred to me: that's not fair. The movie deserves something more in-depth. Sure, I didn't enjoy it, and sure, the first Independence Day was supremely superior, but as somebody who likes to write, I should have had more to say. I should have offered Independence Day: Resurgence more thoughts than a simple "no."
     Bearing this in mind, I opted to put together a list of pros and cons regarding the flick - a more basic type of review, but one that's also longer than a single word. Except, for this particular pro/con list, instead of "pro" it'll be "kinda," because there really are no pros when it comes to Independence Day: Resurgence, and instead of "con" it'll be "fuck no," because the word "con" is an extreme understatement. Here goes.


Kinda:

• Jeff Goldblum
• Jeff Goldbum's dad
• Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation
• DeObia Oparei and her name
• the big mama alien at the end
• the special effects 

Fuck No:

• the opening scene shows us the aliens literally watching footage from the movie Independence Day, implying that they exist both in a universe where Independence Day was just a movie and in the Independence Day in-movie universe, and no matter how you try to shake it, none of that makes any sense
• the Washington Monument has the names of all the victims of the War of 1996 engraved into it, because even with all the technological advancements humanity has utilized from the aliens, we apparently couldn't afford to build a separate memorial
• the obnoxious best friend of Thor's little brother is the worst character I have ever seen in a movie and he should have died ten minutes in
• Ann Veal not returning as President Pullman's daughter
• the surviving aliens are imprisoned, but they're still wearing the weaponized bio-mech suits that made them so dangerous to begin with. That's like locking up Ted Kaczynski with a book of matches and fifty-seven sticks of dynamite
• President Pullman's ridiculous disheveled look and weird high-pitched voice
• the lack of Will Smith
• the lack of a Randy Quaid force-ghost
• a whole slew of deus ex machina
• awkward pacing and editing
• the development of Vivica A. Fox's character is as empty and pointless as her death
• too many "motivational" speeches that never come close to holding a candle to Pullman's in the first Independence Day 
• a laundry list of impossible-to-keep-up-with side characters that are so shoehorned and unnecessary that I lack the capacity to give a single fuck about any of them
• Judd Hirsch inexplicably (though thankfully) surviving an onslaught of mile-high waves full of buildings and heavy debris on his little fuckin' tugboat 
• every vehicle manages to travel millions of miles in just a few minutes 
• fucking people in Africa wield alien technology but live in goddamn huts
• the goddamn alien mothership fucking somehow has its own gravity
• everything else
• oh, sweet merciful Christ
• don't do this to me
• take the wheel, Jesus
• take the fucking wheel
• oh God, why? 
• why have you forsaken me, God?
• what did we do to deserve this?
• are you even listening anymore?
• are you even there?
• were you ever there?