I Tried Feeding Popcorn to the Presidential Candidates During Tonight's Debate, and Both Refused

Tonight Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump had their first presidential debate, watched by millions. Billions, even! A mere half-hour into the ordeal, I noticed that things were getting a little heated. Even more than your run-of-the-mill presidential debate, I mean. Both candidates were bellicose, hostile, and increasingly impatient. I immediately thought back to that Snickers commercial (you know the one): "You're not you when you're hungry," and all at once I knew what had to be done.

Now I may not be a fan of either of the candidates, but it was still my civic duty to remedy their hunger. Thank goodness I had earlier prepared for the debate's antics a bowl of fresh popcorn.

 

First I offered a piece of the popcorn to Hillary, who simply pursed her lips shut like a baby refusing a spoon of soft, mushed garbage. Her eyebrows were raised in both shock and disgust.

 Trump, when offered the same piece, looked at me as if to say, "Really?"His chin wrinkled the way it so often did, revealing the three separate chins beneath it. A huff of smoke burst from his widening nostrils, and the thin line of his mouth refused to open.

No dice so far. They're both very stubborn tonight.

 Hillary lowered her eyes and frowned a pompous sort of frown upon being offered popcorn for a second time. "You have to eat," I told her. She responded with a chipmunk sneeze.

 Trump's look of annoyance did not waver, but two of his chins had retreated underneath their parent chin. "Please eat," I begged. "You're going to pass out." Disgruntled, he let out a tired groan.

 Finally, Hillary appeared to take a bite - but she deceived me. She lowered her eyelids and pointed her nose in the air like a pretentious cheerleader who's just been asked to sign the yearbook of pre-makeover Rachael Leigh Cook. She wouldn't have it. Hillary Clinton just wouldn't eat the popcorn.

 For a moment, Donald Trump looked saddened by this third popcorn peace offering...

 ...but then he began to argue and moan. "No, no, no," he spewed through his nasal passage the way he so often does. "But you have to eat something," I tried, to no avail. He just kept moaning that shrill, nasally moan.

 Before long Hillary followed suit, letting out a similarly shrill screech that sounded not unlike a bicycle tire skidding across wet roadkill. Within moments, her noise matched the exact frequency of Trump's, and the two appeared to be shrieking in unison, moaning and crying in torturous synchronization.

Finally, Trump's lips sealed as he hissed through nostrils. He shot an awful glare my way, and his tight-lipped mouth didn't need to open - those burning eyes said it all. He was not going to eat any popcorn tonight. That was for certain. Hillary, meanwhile, continued screeching, now to the soundtrack of Donald's hissing nostrils. This went on until the debate finally came to a close.

Somebody please feed these two. Please. They're going to pass out.